Where I went wrong...

Man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."

So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."

The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!

"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'

The man at the bar is aghast. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!

"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.

"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"

The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head. 

Credit

Yep, my kids had discovered the anti-jokes...

It's A Dogs Life

I was going to blog in detail about a joke we're going to pull on a neighbor down the street whose dog roams the neighborhood at night loose and drives our dogs so bananas that you can't bring them in at night....

But my husband says that it might be too yucky to talk about...

So I'll be discrete...

Said dog followed my daughter INTO the house last night after peeing on our porch and started eating out of our dogs food dishes. Um yeah, he'll be back I'm sure...

I came downstairs and told them whose dog it was and then since it was already on a leash (Maddy put it on) I got an idea. I led this pooch out into our garage and it helped bring in our dogs. Ellie is especially hard to bring in at night. But when I came to the back door with this pooch, they ALL came running.

I could see the incredulous disbelief in their puppy dog eyes. "You got ANOTHER dog???!!"

Sniffing ensued. and I got the garage door shut before Ellie could run back and be free again.

Then I let Maddy take the dog down the street close to the owners house and let it go.

Robb and I were brainstorming about different notes to pin onto the dogs collar if it comes around again and I think we may have hit on just the perfect one...

A recipe that includes dog. Too gruesome?

It's So Cold! How Cold Is It?

It's so cold...

It's so cold, we had to chop up the piano for firewood -- it only gave us two cords.

It's so cold,the polar bears at the zoo are going on strike,and refusing to sit outdoors!

It's colder than a tin toilet seat in the antarctic.

It's so cold, if you suck on an ice-cube it just gets bigger.

It's so cold, my heating bill read, "Hey buddy, don't turn around."

It is so cold that your spit freezes before it hits the ground.

It's so cold that you have to chop the dogs off the fire hydrants.

It's so cold I bought sweet rolls at the train station and froze my buns before I reached my office.

It's so cold I climbed in the fridge to warm up.

It's so cold I fell out of bed and my pajamas broke.

and the number 1 It's so cold joke...

It's so cold, Chuck Norris put on a jacket.



Stay warm guys!!!

Sew great weekend!

I did some sewing over the weekend! I got two more duffle bags completed. One is seen below. They're identical.
Then on Sunday night, I was really wanting to make a shirt for Maddy that I'd been thinking about doing for a long time. I had gotten some knit fabric for free from the last American Sewers Guild meeting. They have a free table for material that other members don't need or want! So I started my project.

I made a pattern from a shirt that looks great on Maddy, however she always has to wear something underneath it because it is see-thru...I laid out the shirt on some butcher paper that I have and measured everything out. Now I have the pattern and can make it as often as I want.

The shirt was incredibly easy to make and within an hour it was done. The edges are all serged with 4 different colors of thread to make the edges a little more interesting. My top stitching is not the prettiest, so this made things go really fast!

I had Maddy try it on and the sleeves at the top are a little snug for her. Darn. I thought I measured correctly. Oh well. I'll just make sure the next time I make it, the sleeves are cut just a little wider. Other than that she looks great in it! I didn't have the camera out at the time, or I would have had her model it for you.
Next up, I'll find a top that fits Meri really well and make a pattern off of that for her. I still have some other knit fabric to use.

Trying to come up with some easy projects to make over my lunches for the craft sale at our church that starts in a couple weeks. I'm thinking about those long snaky like tubes filled with scented rice that you microwave for a minute or two and lay around your neck to sooth muscles. Or some sachets filled with water softener salt scented with your favorite perfume. The salts tend to hold the scent for a really long time.

I think for some niece Christmas presents, I'll start working on pj bottoms and matching pillow cases with flannel.

Joke for the day...
(My husband plays bagpipes so I receive these types pretty frequently...) Enjoy!

As a young bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a
graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The
funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country and this
man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar
with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not
stop for directions.

I finally arrived, an hour late. I saw the back-hoe and the crew who
were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to
the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave
where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers that I would not hold them up for long, but this
was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around still eating
their lunch. I played out my heart and soul. As I played the workers
began to weep. I played and I played like I never played before, from My
Home and The Lord Is My Shepherd to Flowers of The Forest. I closed the
lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.


As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the
workers saying to the other "Jeesus Mary'n Joseph I never seen nothin'
like that before - and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years"

Stress Management Technique

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile..

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream..
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

There!! See? It really does work... You're smiling already!