Gold Rush

I loved Erma Bombeck when I was a teenager.  I laughed and laughed at her books, thinking "how ridiculous yet profound!"  As I grew up, it became "how profound but yet ridiculous!"

Robb can't stand her, mainly because of her darker humor and dark cynicism in her later years.  I prefer to remember her humor in "It's always greener over the septic tank" or "If life is a bowl of cherries, what am I doing in the pits?"  I have just about all of her earlier books from my youth and have read them all a few times over the years.  

So...  in her memory, quotes from Erma Bombeck that speak to me today.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

Never go to a doctor's office, whose plants have died.

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

When your mother asks you if you want a piece of advice, it is a mere formality.  It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no.  You're going to get it anyway.

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever.  Women never throw out spices.  The Egyptians were buried with their spices.  I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

Don't confuse fame with success.  Madonna is one; Hellen Keller is the other.

Never lend a car to anyone to whom you've given birth.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. 

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. 

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

One of these speaks more to me today than the others, but they're all gold...

Wild & Crazy Friday!

My formative years were the late 70s.  Let's face it...  I knew the entire album of Steve Martin's A Wild & Crazy Guy backwards and forwards.  But just as he would do the stand up routine for his parents, I left out the dirty stuff and only remembered the funny.  

Yesterday I quoted his routine on Facebook and NO ONE got it.  

I mean, would you be able to tell where this came from?  Without me telling you in the previous sentence?

"Oh I wrote 'How I turned 1 million in real estate into $25 in cash'."

That just cracks me up...   Maybe because it might be too close to home.

My sister gave me a pity comment.  I think it was embarrassing for her to see me drowning...

Hello... Is this thing on?  Beuhler?

Now it's your turn.  NO, you don't have to quote Steve Martin, but that would be funny if you did!  

I want to you to confess when you tried to be funny and bombed.  I mean NO LAUGHTER whatsoever, in fact, you got blank looks, disdain or rolled eyes and then ignored?

Ok go!

A kind of Santa...

I happened upon this on FB.  I think it was A.Marie from mymoneymissiononline, who is btw back in bloggy land as of yesterday!  Hmmm..  I just checked her page and I guess it wasn't her...  Not sure who it was!  

Anyway, it is pretty funny...  I sent the link to Meri and she shared it with anyone who would watch it. *girls*  Apparently this is a commercial for a new service for young girls going through "their change".  Seriously!  

And what girl at ANY age wouldn't want this service?!

If you don't have the video above, then click on this link to get to the article talking about the new business venture.  HERE

Have a great weekend folks!  I get to see my honey dressed to the hilt in his kilt twice this weekend!

Wandom Wednesday

Baby status... nil. Click HERE to put in another guess. You can put in as many guesses as you want really... I'm totally ok with that! If there is a tie, then we'll have a Thunderdome event to determine the winner.

A funny that my hubs sent me this morning via IM.

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."

You know what? I always felt self conscious about my driving when I had this bumper sticker on my car... Do you ever feel like people are judging you on how you drive?

Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean people AREN'T watching you...

The girls had to be to school extremely early today. Well, one more than the other, but both had stayed in bed too long and either didn't get breakfast at all or ate it in the car. I just got done finishing up a bowl of maple/brown sugar oatmeal that one didn't have one single second to eat this morning. It's her favorite. She wasn't trying to avoid it.

Meri and I have been watching the series Surface via Netflix lately. We're on episode 7 of 15. It's just as suspenseful as the last time we saw it a few years ago.

I hope it ends differently this time.

The last lick of laundry is in the washer. Yep. I'm caught up! The only dirty clothes in our house are on our backs. Oh wait.. there's that one basket.

nevermind.

C.rack Me Up!

You guys are so funny! I can see I need to do a wee bit of editing before putting yesterdays intro into my sewing newsletter... Such as the part about our dog giving birth to a hedgehog!

Oh! And our dog has NOT had puppies yet. I'm sorry I didn't make that clear. This issue is going out the 1st of June, so the puppies will already have been born... I hope... They're due the middle of May, very close to the due date for the newsletter.

Lately Maddy and I have been looking at prom dresses again...

I know! I know! It's probably too soon to be thinking about next years prom already!

But being too soon aside, in looking at places that sell prom dresses, why do they assume that every girl that goes to prom is sleezy? and has no style?

As Benny Hill said once, when you assume, it makes an xxx out of U and me.

So... I thought about it and decided that if Maddy would like to look at designer evening wear, she could pick something out of those and I'd do my best to do a knock off. So I googled "couture evening wear". Found the designer that had designed the dress that we patterned Maddy's prom dress bodice after. Monique Saviano.

Also found one that when showing them to Maddy, she gasped suddenly and said, That's mine for next year!!! Cool! Now if I can just figure out a way to show you guys! From Castle Couturel. Ok - found it...
And then to figure out how to do a knock off! This will be a challenge... And we'll have to do a something different around the upper bodice area. It doesn't need to be that low! hmmm..

So we don't need to do knock offs the discount (possibly sleezy) dresses... Why not attempt to knock off $2000 dresses?? And if we can start this before January of next year, maybe my late winter stress levels can be a little lower...

Recycled Scripts

You know... Even screen writers have been recycling! Robb brought this home to me yesterday, knowing how much I went over board on Star Wars when I was ten. I never saw the resemblance to Harry Potter until now...
Star Wars A New Hope Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone; synopsis
Luke Skywalker Harry Potter is an orphan living with his uncle and aunt on the remote wilderness of Tatooine suburbia.

He is rescued from aliens muggles by wise, bearded Ben Kenobi Hagrid, who turns out to be a Jedi Knight wizard.

Ben Hagrid reveals to Luke Harry that Luke's Harry's father was also a Jedi Knight wizard, and was the best pilot Quidditch player he had ever seen.

Luke Harry is also instructed in how to use the Jedi light sabre a magic wand as he too trains to become a Jedi wizard.

Luke Harry has many adventures in the galaxy Hogwarts and makes new friends such as Han Solo Ron and Princess Leia Hermione.

In the course of these adventures he distinguishes himself as a top X-wing pilot Quidditch seeker in the battle of the Death Star Quidditch match, making the direct hit catch that secures the Rebels Gryffinder victory against the forces of evil. Slytherin.

Luke Harry also sees off the threat of Darth Vader Lord Voldermort, who we know murdered his uncle and aunt parents.

In the finale, Luke Harry and his new friends receive medals of valor win the House cup.

All of this will be set to an orchestral score composed by John Williams.

Have a great weekend!

Voice changing

When my kids are tired, their voice changes. I think I've only noticed it more since seeing the following video several weeks ago. But seriously... They sound like Marcel the Shell.

Enjoy!



Remember they only attack if they're provoked... The shells, not my kids.

Random Wednesdays and other paradoxes

I woke up at 3am and couldn't get back to sleep for a long time. During that time I agonized over some Face book posts from a certain someone and suddenly they all clicked into place and I knew what was going on. Then I really couldn't sleep because I was mad. Don't you hate it when that happens?

Then I had a weird dream about how someone redecorated my house when I wasn't home and nailed stupid ugly pictures on my walls that I wanted bare. Even my Frankoma tea pot was nailed to the wall. WAY up high! My livingroom is 2 stories tall. I was so angry!

So it was a stress filled night/early morning...

On the bright side, my hubs brought me home some Diet Doctor Pepper last night! Woohoo!

Our freaky pilgrim people are plugged in and they're glowing the night and day away. I've mentioned them before. They freak out my 16 yo daughter, so thus the name. Click here for their story... The other day, she sent me a text asking if the freaky pilgrim people were out yet. GASP! I'd almost forgotten them! I think she wanted to know where they were so they wouldn't surprise her in her room...

Got out my fiber optic turkey too. We're festive if not subtle... Ok - we're not subtle.

I'd LIKE to get our Christmas lights out now, so I won't have to hang them in the middle of a sleet/blizzard, but hubs doesn't like that idea quite this early in November. November 27th will be early enough for that I suppose... That's when the tree goes up and the leg lamp goes in the front window too.

Gotta post this too. Got this from a bloggy buddy on Facebook, Hi A.Marie!! From My Money Mission Online. I thought this was pretty festive and got me in the mood to work on Christmas presents yesterday.

I cut out a couple pairs of those elf slippers yesterday over lunch and those rotten shoemaker elves didn't do a darn thing last night!

Wednesday Funnies.

My brother in law posted this on Facebook and it just cracked me up. I'm not a big football fan.. In fact I just go to the high school games because either my son was playing on the team or my daughter is in the band... I mainly visit with a friend while there. So while people are screaming at the guys on the field, I'm discussing the last episode of Project Runway with Dawn.

But anyway... I saw this and if all football was like this, I'd probably pay more attention!

Keep an eye on the quarterback! I had to watch it a few times to see why everyone started screaming...

Friday Funnies - cause boy we need em!

The things children write in essays...

His mother, being immortal, had died.

We were trapped in a blazing car, but luckily enough a river was passing by.

As she went through her wardrobe, she found a scorpion in her drawers, she rose quickly.

I quickly glanced at the grandfather clock in my waistcoat pocket.

Clowns tie their trousers with string which, when it is pulled, shows a hair-raising scene.

A cigarette hung out of the corner of her eye.

It was about dusky when I aroused from my slumble.

After several years his business began to flush.

Big flies were hoovering all round the room.

Some people can tell the time by looking at the sun, but I have never been able to make out the numbers.

Romeo and Juliet tell each other how much they are in love in the baloney scene.

You must love you neighbour even if you hate him.

The greatest miracle was when Joseph told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

Whenever David played to Saul the latter kept a javelin handy.

If David had one fault it was a slight tendency to adultery.

A parable is a heavenly story with no earthly meaning.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Saddam and Gomorrah were twins.

Jesus enunciated the golden rule which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

A martyr is something like a bachelor.

The Great Flood was sent because of the large numbers of dirty people.
Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. He built an ark, which the animals came onto in pears.

Jesus cured Peter’s mother-in-law when she was sick of a fever, and Peter swore and went out and wept bitterly.

Who was sorry when the Prodigal son returned? The fatted calf.

An oboe is an American tramp.

Trigonometry is when a lady marries three men at the same time.

Caviar is the eggs of a surgeon.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Something reminded me....

Something reminded me of a tv show that I used to watch. And there can never be a reunion show because the main character died suddenly in real life the day after the final show was filmed. And yeah - I've shown you a clip before. That silly Irish humor!

Quotes from the Father Ted show.

*********

Father Ted: It's fabulous being a priest - think of all that comfort you bring to the sick and dying. They love it, they can't get enough of it!

**********

Father Ted: Ah, Sister Assumpta!
Sister Assumpta: Hello Father!
Father Ted: Dougal, Dougal, do you remember Sister Assumpta?
Father Dougal: Er, no.
Father Ted: She was here last year! And then we stayed with her in the convent, back in Kildare. Do you remember it? Ah, you do! And then you were hit by the car when you went down to the shops for the paper. You must remember all that? And then you won a hundred pounds with your lottery card? Ah, you must remember it, Dougal!
[Dougal shakes his head]
Sister Assumpta: And weren't you accidentally arrested for shoplifting? I remember we had to go down to the police station to get you!... And the police station went on fire? And you had to be rescued by helicopter?
Father Ted: Do you remember? You can't remember any of that? The helicopter! When you fell out of the helicopter! Over the zoo! Do you remember the tigers?
[Dougal shakes his head some more]
Father Ted: You don't remember? You were wearing your blue jumper.
Father Dougal: Ah, Sister Assumpta!

**************

Father Dougal: Well, Ted, as I said last time, it won't happen again.

**********

Father Dougal: Did you ever see that film, Ted, where your man has his head transplanted onto a fly, and the fly's head was transplanted onto the man?
Father Ted: Oh, yes... what was it called...?
Father Dougal: "Out Of Africa", I think. Anyway, your man has the head of the fly and he's chasing his wife all over the place and she's hiding the jam and everything so he won't get stuck in it...
Father Ted: I'll have to stop you there, Dougal.
Father Dougal: Yes, Ted?
Father Ted: No reason. I just have to stop you.

Have a great weekend!

I LOVE these commercials! Old Spice

This commercial cracks me up! The best part of the whole series of these commercials is that he did several follow up videos answering questions to this one... You've got to watch these!
Over lunch, Meri and I watched the last half of the Psych tv show and the bloopers at the end referred to this guy. Meri didn't know what they were talking about until we went online and I showed her this.



The following is in answer to one of his commentors who he is assuming is Christina Applegate.



and then a response to Wspencer who is getting chased by scantily clad women who love his new Old Spice scent. Apparently a common side affect.

and then a response to everyone.

These commercials are so funny! Whoever created this idea is brilliant! There are many many more of these. Do a search on Youtube for Old Spice and you'll see tons!